X-Symantec-TimeoutProtection: 0 Return-Path: X-Original-To: info@fathersonline.org Delivered-To: info@fathersonline.org Received: from localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id 3B773DEB68 for ; Sun, 14 Jan 2007 09:29:25 +1100 (EST) Received: from marlin.fishinternet.com.au ([127.0.0.1]) by localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) (amavisd-new, port 10024) with ESMTP id 21179-09 for ; Sun, 14 Jan 2007 09:29:11 +1100 (EST) Received-SPF: none (marlin.fishinternet.com.au: 203.16.214.140 is neither permitted nor denied by domain of fathersonline.org) client-ip=203.16.214.140; envelope-from=info@fathersonline.org; helo=ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net; Received: from ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net (ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net [203.16.214.140]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id E3470DEB5D for ; Sun, 14 Jan 2007 09:29:09 +1100 (EST) Received: from eth5890.nsw.adsl.internode.on.net (HELO polyglot.com.au) ([59.167.240.1]) by ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net with ESMTP; 14 Jan 2007 08:59:02 +1030 X-IronPort-AV: i="4.13,184,1167571800"; d="scan'208,217"; a="73475474:sNHT131364303" Received: from server ([192.168.1.10]) by polyglot.com.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.1830); Sun, 14 Jan 2007 09:28:14 +1100 Thread-Topic: The Sage Reply-To: Message-ID: thread-index: Acc3Yh3IM9ayTa2kRZ+Jjs9lwq0J1w== From: To: Subject: The Sage Date: Sun, 14 Jan 2007 09:28:14 +1100 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_CAD2_01C737BE.513BB590" X-Mailer: Microsoft CDO for Exchange 2000 Content-Class: urn:content-classes:message Importance: normal Priority: normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.3790.2826 X-OriginalArrivalTime: 13 Jan 2007 22:28:14.0968 (UTC) FILETIME=[1DCD8780:01C73762] X-TM-AS-Product-Ver: SMEX-7.2.0.1122-3.6.1039-14932.000 X-TM-AS-Result: No--10.791100-5.000000-1 X-Virus-Scanned: amavisd-new at fishinternet.com.au X-NAS-BWL: Found match for 'info@fathersonline.org' on the allowed list (2148 addresses, 0 domains) X-NAS-Classification: 0 X-NAS-MessageID: 7811 X-NAS-Validation: {FF825B7A-B161-40BD-90F8-3582DAE91A1E} This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_CAD2_01C737BE.513BB590 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable =20 =20 Unable to read this email? Please click here =20 =20 Issue 228 - 1st January, 2007 Go to our website Here =20 =20 * Hello Alison * Grandads * Laughter * Single Dads=20 * Special Feature * Thought of the Week * All You Need is Love * News & Info * Dad's Prayer * Help Us Hello Alison =20 Last week I wrote about the stages of the masculine journey. John Eldredge released his new book, 'The Way of the Wild at Heart - a map for the masculine journey' just before Christmas and it will become a worldwide bestseller like many of his other titles. In some of his precepts he is not alone. Ed Cole wrote about this subject in the eighties in Maximised Manhood =A9 1982. Richard Rohr is another author = who has a deep understanding of this subject, 'The Wild Man's Journey - reflections on male spirituality' =A9 1992, being a foundational classic in this genre. Richard Rohr's sell out tour in Australia last year shows that interest in the subject is becoming more main stream than ever. Richard Rohr's tapes and books are currently available in Australia through the magazine 'Men Today Australia' Brisbane: www.mentoday.com.au Steve Biddulph also broaches the subject of the stages of the masculine journey in his bestselling book, 'Manhood' =A9 1994. =20 Having said this I believe that John Eldredge has really brought it all together, body, soul and spirit in a very well crafted expos=E9 , which = I believe will become a 'classic' in the years to come. John Eldredge identifies six stages of manhood: Boyhood, Cowboy, Warrior, Lover, King and Sage and does an excellent job in the process. He contends that these stages are not necessarily absolute and at any one time there can be several stages at play in a man's life. Eldredge points out that all these stages are progressions and building blocks to form wholeness in character at every level: body, soul and spirit. Without one it is very hard to have the other and without all it is very hard to have the last. The Sage or 'wise man' being in many ways pre-eminent. I'll let John Eldredge say it in his own words. =20 I would place the stage of the Sage as beginning in the waning years of the King, sometime between the ages of sixty and seventy. There comes a time when the King must yield the throne. This does not mean failure. It means it's time to become a Sage, and let another man be King. Too many Kings hold on to their thrones too long, and they literally fade away once they have lost them (which tells us they were drawing too much of their identity from their position). It will appear that at this stage a man's 'kingdom' may be shrinking - he retires from his career position, perhaps moves into a smaller home or apartment, lives on a fixed income. But, his influence should actually increase. This is not the time to move to Ft Lauderdale, 'wandering through malls', as Billy Crystal described it, 'looking for the ultimate soft yoghurt and muttering, 'How come the kids don't call, how come the kids don't call?'' For now the man is a mentor to the men who are shaping history. . . Knowing how hard it is to find a Sage, you might for the time being draw strength and inspiration from those we find in books and film. Yoda is a classic Sage: "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering." There is also the wonderful old priest in The Count of Monte Cristo. "Here now is your final lesson: do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence. God said, 'Vengeance is mine'" "I don?t believe in God," replies Dantes. "I doesn't matter. He believes in you." =20 =20 In many ways the Sage is usually the grandfather and often a great grandfather and help you become a great father. I believe that the grandfathers and great grandfathers are the key to family renewal in this nation. They are the one's most likely to fulfil the much needed role of the sage. It is so critical that we as fathers honour our own fathers and grandfathers, because long life is a promise the result. Who doesn't want to have a long life? =20 Lovework =20 Keep reading good books that will build your body, soul and spirit. John Eldredge's book, 'The way of the Wild at heart' is one of those: www.koorong.com.au =20 Look out for the sages in your life and make them feel needed by asking them questions. Their wisdom is a deep well and one we all need to draw from. It will give them life too! =20 Yours for more wise men Warwick Marsh =20 ___________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 31 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 25 years to 14 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself. back to top=20 =20 Grandads =20 =20 =20 Train your child in the way in which you know you should have gone yourself. =20 CH Spurgeon back to top=20 =20 Laughter =20 =20 =20 =20 A father was at the beach with his children=20 when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ________________________________________________ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.=20 Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ____________________________________________________ =20 A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" =20 back to top=20 =20 Single Dads=20 =20 =20 Open Letter to Chief Justice Bryant, Family Law Court Australia =20 According to The Age newspaper (24 Dec 2006) you recently made the statement: =20 "One of the things that frustrates me most is people saying that the court is biased - or that there is a systemic bias against fathers... But nobody pulled out a judgement and said 'the result was wrong' " =20 Below is a recent case of bias in the Family Court by Justice Tim Carmody mentioned in The Australian (08 Jan 2007). =20 =20 Coincidentally Justice Carmody was the judge who presided in my own Final Hearing. I can enumerate many ways in which Justice Carmody was biased against me. =20 One obvious example is that he followed the advice of the Child Psychologist allowing me a three stage increase in access with my son to the current six days a fortnight (good). (Orders made in March 2005). Then he added a fourth stage which will reduce my access to four days a fortnight beginning at the end of January 2007. He provided no explanation, and indeed no one has been able to explain why you get a child used to a certain level of access and then suddenly reduce it. =20 The Child Psychologist said to me "I didn't go all the way [to 50/50 parenting] because I thought I'd intervened enough, and I thought by that time (Jan 2007) you two could sort things out by yourselves". =20 When I mentioned to Justice Carmody that it seemed as though the fourth stage didn't follow the logic of increased residency with the father contained in the Child Psychologist's recommendations, he replied by saying neither parent had as much contact when a child started school. When I replied that I had taken this into account, but still my access was being significantly reduced, he replied "Well I'm not going to change it now!" =20 =20 To me this was sloppy Orders made on the run. (There were other errors such as writing 'pm' insisted of 'am' to which he irritatedly referred to as 'typos' but which would have become immutable had I not pointed them out at that very moment). If you are not going to increase access, why change the orders at all ? =20 =20 Justice Carmody also made the comment that I, the father, was inexperienced. This was unbelievable since I had had equal residency of my daughter (from a previous relationship) for 12 years, and according to the Family Report, my daughter was thriving. I had more parenting experience than the mother! =20 In making the property orders he made a 'global assessment' and said he was not required to give a breakdown, and would not be giving a breakdown of how he arrived at a figure giving 70% of the assets to the mother. Coincidentally this is exactly what my ex-partner's solicitor had predicted she would win two years before. Justice Carmody said he was going to ignore superannuation assets of the mother. I doubt whether superannuation assets of fathers is EVER ignored. I can go on... =20 Not just judges who are biased. The System is inherently biased. =20 However, it is not just that judges are prejudiced and biased toward fathers, the policy regime is intrinsically biased. The Catch 22 is that the Family Court says if there is any evidence of conflict between the separating parents, then Equal Parenting Time cannot be an option; however, if there was no conflict between the parents they wouldn't be in the Family Court in the first place!=20 =20 Evidence of conflict can include disparaging remarks made in Affidavits. It can include fabricated Domestic Violence Orders. If the mother acts aggressively toward the father she is rewarded by gaining the majority residency. This sends the wrong signal. It rewards relational aggression and parental alienation, which are extremely damaging to children. =20 I would have appealed Justice Carmody's orders. However I was told that Appeals are rarely successful as they are heard by a panel of other Family Court judges who rarely overturn "discretionary" decisions of other judges. In my view the Family Court is not accountable. The fact that the transcript of a typical three day Final Hearing costs $3,000 is another example of lack of accountability and transparency. Why not make it available on CD in audio form for $30?=20 =20 While we are discussing the integrity of the Family Court system, I note that Justice Rimmer resigned as a result of her plagiarism. I note from an article in The Australian that Justice Carmody "imported paragraphs from previous decisions". This sounds like plagiarism to me. Will you be investigating this matter to see how much of Justice Carmody's other cases have "imported paragraphs"? There is software available these days to make detection of plagiarism relatively simple... I would like to know, for example, if he "imported paragraphs" in his justification of the Final Orders in my case. =20 I get a sense that you are genuinely trying to do the right thing. I wish you every success. Sincerely Geoff Holland prism@optusnet.com.au =20 back to top=20 =20 Special Feature =20 =20 Grandfather-Transmitter of Values =20 What do you value in life? What shining virtues stand above time and progress? What personal qualities do you want your children and grandchildren to carry into future generations?=20 Maybe you've given these kind of questions a lot of thought, or maybe not. But you should, because you can have a powerful influence on your grandchildren. This is your chance to make a difference in the next generation, to leave behind something of lasting value for those you love. This can be one of your grandest roles as a granddad.=20 Teach Them=20 Grandfathers have a special window into a child's heart. When a dad relates to his children, there is often a struggle for control going on under the surface. He's the man in charge, the disciplinarian, and it's hard for a child to set aside that authoritative image.=20 But if you can get the child alone, away from her parent's expectations, often she can relax. She'll listen better and ask more thoughtful questions, like: "Grandpa, when Daddy was seven, was he like me?" "Did he have to clean up his plate?" Or maybe, "Why did Aunt Julie get divorced?"=20 She's trying to learn about her world, including school, family, and relationships in general. With you, she may be more open to learn, and you can help shape her young mind.=20 Usually, you can't plan these opportunities - they just happen. That's why it's good to spend lots of unstructured time with your grandchildren. You may teach something without even realizing it: something happens, you take an action, answer a question or explain something, and the child learns something new.=20 Listen to your grandchild. This is important because you can never do enough cultivating your grandchild's trust. Attentive listening communicates that you are interested in him, you consider him worthwhile as a person, and his ideas are worth your time and attention.=20 Also, when your teaching is guided by careful listening, there's a much greater likelihood that what you're teaching will be "on target" for him.=20 Tell Stories. You have lots of wisdom and life experience to draw from; you've seen a wide variety of events and changes. Even your mistakes have a positive purpose. Children can sense that you have knowledge about many different topics, and they're eager to hear about it.=20 Many of your stories from life have valuable lessons attached to them. Your grandchildren will learn about perseverance, loyalty, hard work, patience, sacrifice, and on and on. If you were impressed and inspired by a particular president or other leader in history, tell your grandkids about that person and what about him appealed to you.=20 This isn't to suggest that you preach at your grandchildren or subject them to lengthy lectures. Just tell your stories in a lively, engaging way, and let the story do the teaching. Ask lots of questions to get your grandkids thinking about the values involved in your stories: "Why do you suppose my father turned down that opportunity?" "What do you think you would have done?"=20 Model Them=20 Are your actions backing up the qualities you'd like to see in your grandchildren? Do you miss the days when a man's word was his bond? What agreements or promises have you made to your grandchild, and how can you show her that it's important to keep them? It's one thing to talk about our values; it can be much more difficult to demonstrate them.=20 If you believe in a strong sense of family, make that clear by your words and actions. Is it important to you that the grandkids know their cousins, aunts and uncles? Extended family gatherings can be great learning and grounding times for a child. They get to watch other married couples interacting; they see and hear how different generations relate positively to one another.=20 What other values do you want your grandkids to pick up from you? A love for books? A positive attitude? A determination to never quit in the face of adversity? Compassion and service toward others? The ability to take care of one's possessions?=20 You may be able to make a list pretty easily, but are you modeling those characteristics? How well do you take care of the old Buick or the lawn mower? How much time do you spend reading books that will improve you? How often do you stop to help someone who is in need? How do you handle it when someone treats you unfairly?=20 Children are natural observers, and they can learn powerful, lasting lessons from watching a grandfather go through life with dignity, selflessness and a childlike sense of wonder.=20 Ken Canfield Ken is the Past President and Founder of the National Centrer of Fathering. www.fathers.com =20 back to top=20 =20 Thought of the Week =20 =20 =20 The greatest gift you can give to a sage is to sit at his feet and ask questions. =20 John Eldredge back to top=20 =20 All You Need is Love Eight Ways to Win Your Husband's Heart =20 =20 * Communication means more than just talk. Because men are often more comfortable with using actions to demonstrate emotions, you can better hear your man's expressions of love if you watch for them (and therefore feel more loved yourself). =20 * Less is more. For most husbands, speech that gets directly to the point is more effective than long explanations. So save yourself the trouble of lengthy descriptions; he's not going to listen anyway. Give him the facts up front. He listens; you get heard. You're both happy! =20 * Savour your friendships with women. It's natural to have ebbs and flows in your marital bond. To help you get through the ebb periods, maintain close ties to female friends. They'll help you find a balance in your need for connection.=20 =20 * Simple pleasures are often best. Sometimes, simply making a home-cooked meal or a backrub can convert your grizzly husband into a teddy bear; it's so much easier than trying to get him to open up and talk about what's making him cranky.=20 =20 * Boost his ego. Men like to feel like they make a big difference in your life, even when they do trivial things such as opening a jar of peanut butter. Go ahead and praise the simple things; it's an easy way to motivate him to do even more for you! =20 Haltzman acknowledges that these recommendations are really just the tip of the iceberg. In order to learn what really propels women to great relationships, I need to hear from the women themselves. The web site is easy to use, totally confidential, and a place where women can learn from other women. I'm eager to learn what works, and what doesn't work. If I can get more women to apply the secrets of happily married women, we can dramatically reduce divorce rates and have many more couples live happily ever after. =20 For more information or to schedule an interview, contact: Elisabeth N. Galligan, President Newberry PR 1240 Pawtucket Avenue East Providence, RI 02916-1427 Phone: (401) 433-5965 =20 Currently in Print: "The Secrets Of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever" (January 2006, ISBN: 0-7879-7959-7) by Scott Haltzman, M.D. with Theresa Foy DiGeronimo.Publisher: Jossey-Bass, A Wiley=20 back to top=20 =20 News & Info =20 =20 =20 Work winning over Families EVERYONE seems to be talking about balancing work and family, but when it comes to the crunch it is work that takes precedence and family loses out. Family is being put on the backburner in the interests of keeping up with too-large mortgages and meeting the rising costs of modern living.=20 http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21037529-5007146,00.html =20 =20 Am I a paronoid parent With the intention of trying to ensure their happiness, paranoid parents end up smothering their children and discourage them from taking the slightest physical risk, psychologist McGrath says. "How on earth do you become a successful human being if you can't face life's risks?" she asks.=20 http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21042337-5007146,00.html =20 __________________________________________________________ SYDNEY MEN'S FESTIVAL SAT 13 to SUNDAY 21 JAN 2007 =20 http://www.sydneymensfestival.org.au =20 =20 Contact Len: 0418 277 896 Steve: 02 9283 2903 Venue: Yaraandoo 28 Nollands Road Fiddletown Arcadia (near Hornsby) =20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * =20 If you want another good book that is Australian on the subject of developing into Manhood, I recently read Col Stringer's book, 'Rediscovering Manhood'. =20 If you haven't read it, it is a good read. If you have a look at http://orders.koorong.com.au/search/details.jhtml?code=3D0957759894 =20 it will give you a preview of it. =20 Ian Gray =20 Letters =20 Dear Fatherhood Foundation =20 I have two small kids, 2 and 4, wife works etc...but here is the problem, there are little or no Dads groups. =20 =20 If there are more groups out there they are not networked, and I can find little on the web to support otherwise. =20 If I can...I want to change that and start a local group in Sydney's west and raise national awareness in the form of a web site detailing the needs of 'Stay at Home Dads' even if they can not get to a group. =20 Can anyone help? =20 Wayne Harris wayneandmichelleharris@hotmail.com =20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * =20 Dear Fatherhood Foundation, =20 I find the arrival of your 'weekly newsletter/email' a very welcome item. Sad but true! But in spite of that I find the contents very informative in terms of updating me on matters important to me in my journey of fatherhood at a sad distance.=20 =20 Warwick thank you for your tireless effort. You're a sterling warrior for fathers' rights. =20 Kind regards, =20 Clive=20 =20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *=20 =20 Angry at Heart =20 Dear Fatherhood Foundation =20 You know, this has been the hardest Christmas / New Year period that I have been through in many years. As a father, I failed my children because I did not know that my marriage was on the rocks, and I was divorced. =20 I bought a house near the kids' schools and had them whenever they wanted to be with me, or their mother wanted to go out. Eventually first one, then the other moved in.=20 =20 Later I remarried - to a woman who had been divorced several times. She had 3 children by two fathers. One child is stable, did not have children by his first wife, divorced, and is now happily married with one child to his current wife. He is the one who remembered what he had been through and learned his lesson. He refused to have children by the first wife, until they sorted out their problems. No child support. =20 My two children have not had children yet, even though one has been married and divorced. They were traumatised by the divorce. I know by the change in them. =20 My wife's youngest child married a man who had been married and divorced already, and she had two children. This was too much for the father, who left, and does not pay Child Support, or even care that his attitude destroys children. She is now on drugs. Divorce is hateful and is to be avoided at all costs. It hurts children. I have seen mine hurt. I saw the effects on my wife's children. Now my grandchildren. When will it end? =20 A man I know was separated 5 months and was granted a divorce. His wife is still in shock and needs a lot of support. The children are playing one off against the other - it is a hateful game. =20 If the heart of a grandfather can break so much, what about the heart of the Father. =20 I sincerely hope and pray that 2007 is the year of breakthrough for all involved in parenting. May families regroup, remain, recover, re-establish. That is the heart of the Father. Bill =20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * =20 Dear Fatherhood Foundation =20 I am grateful to and supportive of any person or organisation that seeks to improve the plight of fathers and children's relationships with their fathers. =20 I see that your strategic goals and outcomes include an intention to create 'Well produced TV ads that highlight the power of positive fathering'. =20 I have seen countless sitcoms that stereotype men (and fathers) as bungling fools and women as supremely wise often ridiculing the males. A stereotype image portrayed by the media typically involves a beer drinking football loving male. =20 However I feel that your ad has failed to recognise the destructive affect of media stereotyping of men and that this conflicts with the stated aim of your organisation. =20 I would prefer an ad with a father showing their son how to do a quadratic equation, cook or fix a bicycle. =20 Fathers by enlarge don't need to be told how to be a parent. They just need to be supported as parents in the same way that mothers are. Currently they are not only unsupported but undermined. =20 I am not so arrogant as to believe I might not be able to improve my role as a parent to my child but my point is that I want to be respected as a complete parent and not viewed as a parent who should be subordinate in some way. =20 I feel that the real change necessary to improve fathering in our society requires changes in laws and mechanisms of the state so that fathers are genuinely supported and it will be a long hard road to bring about this type of change. =20 When writing emails I am concerned that the tone can be misinterpreted and I hope you can appreciate that I have great respect for what you are doing.=20 =20 I hope you can keep your mind open to the point that I am making about the portrayal of stereotypes. =20 Keep up the good work. =20 Kind regards Bruce=20 =20 back to top=20 =20 Dad's Prayer =20 Prayer of an 'Old Soul' By George MacDonald =20 Lord, what I once had done with youthful might, Had I been from the first true to the truth, Grant me, now old, to do - with better sight, And humbler heart, if not the brain of youth; So wilt thou, in they gentleness and truth, Lead back thy old soul, by the path of pain, Round to his best - young eyes and heart and brain. =20 Note: George MacDonald was mentor to famous author CS Lewis, author of the Narnia series. back to top=20 =20 Help Us Click here for more information about us =20 Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity.=20 Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm.=20 The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility: Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund=20 (Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility) Westpac Branch Wollongong BSB: 032 695 A/C: 25-5558=20 Or mail cheque and address details to: PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997. You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading. back to top=20 Click Here to Unsubscribe =20 ------=_NextPart_000_CAD2_01C737BE.513BB590 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Fatherhood Foundation
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Issue 228 - 1st January, 2007 Go to our website Here


Hello Alison

 

Last week I wrote about the stages of the masculine journey. John Eldredge released his new book, 'The Way of the Wild at Heart - a map for the masculine journey' just before Christmas and it will become a worldwide bestseller like many of his other titles. In some of his precepts he is not alone. Ed Cole wrote about this subject in the eighties in Maximised Manhood © 1982. Richard Rohr is another author who has a deep understanding of this subject, 'The Wild Man's Journey - reflections on male spirituality' © 1992, being a foundational classic in this genre. Richard Rohr's sell out tour in Australia last year shows that interest in the subject is becoming more main stream than ever. Richard Rohr's tapes and bo oks are currently available in Australia through the magazine 'Men Today Australia' Brisbane: www.mentoday.com.au  Steve Biddulph also broaches the subject of the stages of the masculine journey in his bestselling book, 'Manhood' © 1994.

 

Having said this I believe that John Eldredge has really brought it all together, body, soul and spirit in a very well crafted exposé , which I believe will become a 'classic' in the years to come. John Eldredge identifies six stages of manhood: Boyhood, Cowboy, Warrior, Lover, King and Sage and does an excellent job in the process. He contends that these stages are not necessarily absolute and at any one time there can be several stages at play in a man's life. Eldredge points out that all these stages are progressions and building blocks to form wholeness in character at every level: body, soul and spirit. Without one it is very hard to have the other and without all it is very hard to have the last. The Sage or 'wise man' being in many ways pre-eminent. I'll let John Eldredge say it in his own words.

 

I would place the stage of the Sage as beginning in the waning years of the King, sometime between the ages of sixty and seventy. There comes a time when the King must yield the throne. This does not mean failure. It means it's time to become a Sage, and let another man be King. Too many Kings hold on to their thrones too long, and they literally fade away once they have lost them (which tells us they were drawing too much of their identity from their position). It will appear that at this stage a man's 'kingdom' may be shrinking - he retires from his career position, perhaps moves into a smaller home or apartment, lives on a fixed income. But, his influence should actually increase. This is not the time to move to Ft Lauderdale, 'wandering through malls', as Billy Crystal described it, 'looking for the ultimate soft yoghurt and muttering, 'How come the kids don't call, how come the kids don't call?'' For now the man is a mentor to the men who are shaping history. . .

Knowing how hard it is to find a Sage, you might for the time being draw strength and inspiration from those we find in books and film. Yoda is a classic Sage: "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering." There is also the wonderful old priest in The Count of Monte Cristo. "Here now is your final lesson: do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence. God said, 'Vengeance is mine'" "I don?t believe in God," replies Dantes. "I doesn't matter. He believes in you."

 

In many ways the Sage is usually the grandfather and often a great grandfather and help you become a great father. I believe that the grandfathers and great grandfathers are the key to family renewal in this nation. They are the one's most likely to fulfil the much needed role of the sage. It is so critical that we as fathers honour our own fathers and grandfathers, because long life is a promise the result. Who doesn't want to have a long life?

 

Lovework

 

Keep reading good books that will build your body, soul and spirit. John Eldredge's book, 'The way of the Wild at heart' is one of those: www.koorong.com.au

Look out for the sages in your life and make them feel needed by asking them questions. Their wisdom is a deep well and one we all need to draw from. It will give them life too!

 

Yours for more wise men

Warwick Marsh

 

 ___________________________________________________________


Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 31 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 25 years to 14 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

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Grandads

 

Train your child in the way

in which you know you

should have gone yourself.

 

CH Spurgeon

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Laughter

 

 
 A father was at the beach with his children 
 when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
 grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
 where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
 "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
 "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
 The boy thought a moment and then said,
 "Did God throw him back down?"
________________________________________________
 A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
 The boys bega
 n to argue over who would get the first pancake. 
 Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
 "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
 Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
 "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
____________________________________________________
 
 A wife invited some people to dinner.
 At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
 "Would you like to say the blessing?"
 "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
 "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
 The daughter bowed her head and said,
 "Lord, why on e
 arth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
 

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Single Dads

 

Open Letter to Chief Justice Bryant, Family Law Court Australia

 

According to The Age newspaper (24 Dec 2006) you recently made the statement:

 

"One of the things that frustrates me most is people saying that the court is biased - or that there is a systemic bias against fathers... But nobody pulled out a judgement and said 'the result was wrong' "

 

Below is a recent case of bias in the Family Court by Justice Tim Carmody mentioned in The Australian (08 Jan 2007). 

 

Coincidentally Justice Carmody was the judge who presided in my own Final Hearing.  I can enumerate many ways in which Justice Carmody was biased against me.

 

One obvious example is that he followed the advice of the Child Psychologist allowing me a three stage increase in access with my son to the current six days a fortnight (good).  (Orders made in March 2005).  Then he added a fourth stage which will reduce my access to four days a fortnight beginning at the end of January 2007.  He provided no explanation, and indeed no one has been able to explain why you get a child used to a certain level of access and then suddenly reduce it.

 

The Child Psychologist said to me "I didn't go all the way [to 50/50 parenting] because I thought I'd intervened enough, and I thought by that time (Jan 2007) you two could sort things out by yourselves".

 

When I mentioned to Justice Carmody that it seemed as though the fourth stage didn't follow the logic of increased residency with the father contained in the Child Psychologist's recommendations, he replied by saying neither parent had as much contact when a child started school.  When I replied that I had taken this into account, but still my access was being significantly reduced, he replied "Well I'm not going to change it now!" 

 

To me this was sloppy Orders made on the run.  (There were other errors such as writing 'pm' insisted of 'am' to which he irritatedly referred to as 'typos' but which would have become immutable had I not pointed them out at that very moment).   If you are not going to increase access, why change the orders at all ?  

 

Justice Carmody also made the comment that I, the father, was inexperienced.  This was unbelievable since I had had equal residency of my daughter (from a previous relationship) for 12 years, and according to the Family Report, my daughter was thriving.  I had more parenting experience than the mother!

 

In making the property orders he made a 'global assessment' and said he was not required to give a breakdown, and would not be giving a breakdown of how he arrived at a figure giving 70% of the assets to the mother.  Coincidentally this is exactly what my ex-partner's solicitor had predicted she would win two years before.  Justice Carmody said he was going to ignore superannuation assets of the mother.  I doubt whether superannuation assets of fathers is EVER ignored.  I can go on...

 

Not just judges who are biased.  The System is inherently biased.

 

However, it is not just that judges are prejudiced and biased toward fathers, the policy regime is intrinsically biased.  The Catch 22 is that the Family Court says if there is any evidence of conflict between the separating parents, then Equal Parenting Time cannot be an option; however, if there was no conflict between the parents they wouldn't be in the Family Court in the first place!

 

Evidence of conflict can include disparaging remarks made in Affidavits.  It can include fabricated Domestic Violence Orders.  If the mother acts aggressively toward the father she is rewarded by gaining the majority residency.  This sends the wrong signal.  It rewards relational aggression and parental alienation, which are extremely damaging to children.

 

I would have appealed Justice Carmody's orders.  However I was told that Appeals are rarely successful as they are heard by a panel of other Family Court judges who rarely overturn "discretionary" decisions of other judges.  In my view the Family Court is not accountable.  The fact that the transcript of a typical three day Final Hearing costs $3,000 is another example of lack of accountability and transparency.  Why not make it available on CD in audio form for $30?

 

While we are discussing the integrity of the Family Court system, I note that Justice Rimmer resigned as a result of her plagiarism.  I note from an article in The Australian that Justice Carmody "imported paragraphs from previous decisions".  This sounds like plagiarism to me.  Will you be investigating this matter to see how much of Justice Carmody's other cases have "imported paragraphs"?  There is software available these days to make detection of plagiarism relatively simple...  I would like to know, for example, if he "imported paragraphs" in his justification of the Final Orders in my case.

 

I get a sense that you are genuinely trying to do the right thing.  I wish you every success.

Sincerely

Geoff Holland

prism@optusnet.com.au  

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Special Feature

Grandfather-Transmitter of Values

 

What do you value in life? What shining virtues stand above time and progress? What personal qualities do you want your children and grandchildren to carry into future generations?

Maybe you've given these kind of questions a lot of thought, or maybe not. But you should, because you can have a powerful influence on your grandchildren. This is your chance to make a difference in the next generation, to leave behind something of lasting value for those you love. This can be one of your grandest roles as a granddad.

Teach Them

Grandfathers have a special window into a child's heart. When a dad relates to his children, there is often a struggle for control going on under the surface. He's the man in charge, the disciplinarian, and it's hard for a child to set aside that authoritative image.

But if you can get the child alone, away from her parent's expectations, often she can relax. She'll listen better and ask more thoughtful questions, like: "Grandpa, when Daddy was seven, was he like me?" "Did he have to clean up his plate?" Or maybe, "Why did Aunt Julie get divorced?"

She's trying to learn about her world, including school, family, and relationships in general. With you, she may be more open to learn, and you can help shape her young mind.

Usually, you can't plan these opportunities - they just happen. That's why it's good to spend lots of unstructured time with your grandchildren. You may teach something without even realizing it: something happens, you take an action, answer a question or explain something, and the child learns something new.

Listen to your grandchild. This is important because you can never do enough cultivating your grandchild's trust. Attentive listening communicates that you are interested in him, you consider him worthwhile as a person, and his ideas are worth your time and attention.

Also, when your teaching i s guided by careful listening, there's a much greater likelihood that what you're teaching will be "on target" for him.

Tell Stories. You have lots of wisdom and life experience to draw from; you've seen a wide variety of events and changes. Even your mistakes have a positive purpose. Children can sense that you have knowledge about many different topics, and they're eager to hear about it.

Many of your stories from life have valuable lessons attached to them. Your grandchildren will learn about perseverance, loyalty, hard work, patience, sacrifice, and on and on. If you were impressed and inspired by a particular president or other leader in history, tell your grandkids about that person and what about him appealed to you.

This isn't to suggest that you preach at your grandchildren or subject them to lengthy lectures. Just tell your stories in a lively, engaging way, and let the story do the teaching. Ask lots of questions to get your grandkid s thinking about the values involved in your stories: "Why do you suppose my father turned down that opportunity?" "What do you think you would have done?"

Model Them

Are your actions backing up the qualities you'd like to see in your grandchildren? Do you miss the days when a man's word was his bond? What agreements or promises have you made to your grandchild, and how can you show her that it's important to keep them? It's one thing to talk about our values; it can be much more difficult to demonstrate them.

If you believe in a strong sense of family, make that clear by your words and actions. Is it important to you that the grandkids know their cousins, aunts and uncles? Extended family gatherings can be great learning and grounding times for a child. They get to watch other married couples interacting; they see and hear how different generations relate positively to one another.

What other values do you want your grandkids to pick u p from you? A love for books? A positive attitude? A determination to never quit in the face of adversity? Compassion and service toward others? The ability to take care of one's possessions?

You may be able to make a list pretty easily, but are you modeling those characteristics? How well do you take care of the old Buick or the lawn mower? How much time do you spend reading books that will improve you? How often do you stop to help someone who is in need? How do you handle it when someone treats you unfairly?

Children are natural observers, and they can learn powerful, lasting lessons from watching a grandfather go through life with dignity, selflessness and a childlike sense of wonder.


Ken Canfield
Ken is the Past President and Founder of the National Centrer of Fathering.  www.fathers.com

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Thought of the Week

 

The greatest gift you can give to a sage

is to sit at his feet and ask questions.

 

John Eldredge

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All You Need is Love

 Eight Ways to Win Your Husband's Heart

 

 

* Communication means more than just talk.  Because men are often more comfortable with using actions to demonstrate emotions, you can better hear your man's expressions of love if you watch for them (and therefore feel more loved yourself).

 

* Less is more.  For most husbands, speech that gets directly to the point is more effective than long explanations. So save yourself the trouble of lengthy descriptions; he's not going to listen anyway. Give him the facts up front. He listens; you get heard. You're both happy!

 

* Savour your friendships with women.  It's natural to have ebbs and flows in your marital bond. To help you get through the ebb periods, maintain close ties to female friends. They'll help you find a balance in your need for connection.

 

* Simple pleasures are often best. Sometimes, simply making a home-cooked meal or a backrub can convert your grizzly husband into a teddy bear; it's so much easier than trying to get him to open up and talk about what's making him cranky.

 

* Boost his ego. Men like to feel like they make a big difference in your life, even when they do trivial things such as opening a jar of peanut butter. Go ahead and praise the simple things; it's an easy way to motivate him to do even more for you!

 

Haltzman acknowledges that these recommendations are really just the tip of the iceberg.   In order to learn what really propels women to great relationships, I need to hear from the women themselves. The web site is easy to use, totally confidential, and a place where women can learn from other women.  I'm eager to learn what works, and what doesn't work.  If I can get more women to apply the secrets of happily married women, we can dramatically reduce divorce rates and have many more couples live happily ever after.

 

For more information or to schedule an interview, contact:

Elisabeth N. Galligan, President

Newberry PR

1240 Pawtucket Avenue

East Providence, RI 02916-1427

Phone: (401) 433-5965

 

Currently in Print: "The Secrets Of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever" (January 2006, ISBN: 0-7879-7959-7) by Scott Haltzman, M.D. with Theresa Foy DiGeronimo.Publisher: Jossey-Bass, A Wiley 

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News & Info

Work winning over Families

EVERYONE seems to be talking about balancing work and family, but when it comes to the crunch it is work that takes precedence and family loses out.

Family is being put on the backburner in the interests of keeping up with too-large mortgages and meeting the rising costs of modern living.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21037529-5007146,00.html

 

Am I a paronoid parent

With the intention of trying to ensure their happiness, paranoid parents end up smothering their children and discourage them from taking the slightest physical risk, psychologist McGrath says. "How on earth do you become a successful human being if you can't face life's risks?" she asks.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21042337-5007146,00.html

__________________________________________________________

SYDNEY MEN'S FESTIVAL

SAT 13 to SUNDAY 21 JAN 2007

 

http://www.sydneymensfestival.org.au

 

Contact Len: 0418 277 896 Steve: 02 9283 2903

Venue: Yaraandoo

28 Nollands Road Fiddletown Arcadia (near Hornsby)

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

If you want another good book that is Australian on the subject of developing into Manhood, I recently read Col Stringer's book, 'Rediscovering Manhood'. 

If you haven't read it, it is a good read.  If you have a look at http://orders.koorong.com.au/search/details.jhtml?code=0957759894  

it will give you a preview of it.

 

Ian Gray

 

Letters

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

I have two small kids, 2 and 4, wife  works etc...but here is the problem, there are little or no Dads groups. 

 

If there are more groups out there they are not networked, and I can find little on the web to support otherwise.

 

If I can...I want to change that and start a local group in Sydney's west and raise national awareness  in the form of a web site detailing the needs of 'Stay at Home Dads' even if they can not get to a group.

 

Can anyone help?

 

Wayne Harris

wayneandmichelleharris@hotmail.com

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation,

 

I find the arrival of your 'weekly newsletter/email' a very welcome item. Sad but true! But in spite of that I find the contents very informative in terms of updating me on matters important to me in my journey of fatherhood at a sad distance.

 

Warwick thank you for your tireless effort. You're a sterling warrior for fathers' rights.

 

Kind regards,

 

Clive

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Angry at Heart

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

You know, this has been the hardest Christmas / New Year period that I have been through in many years. As a father, I failed my children because I did not know that my marriage was on the rocks, and I was divorced.

 

I bought a house near the kids' schools and had them whenever they wanted to be with me, or their mother wanted to go out. Eventually first one, then the other moved in.

 

Later I remarried - to a woman who had been divorced several times. She had 3 children by two fathers. One child is stable, did not have children by his first wife, divorced, and is now  happily married with one child to his current wife. He is the one who remembered what he had been through and learned his lesson. He refused to have children by the first wife, until they sorted out their problems. No child support.

 

My two children have not had children yet, even though one has been married and divorced. They were traumatised by the divorce. I know by the change in them.

 

My wife's youngest child married a man who had been married and divorced already, and she had two children. This was too much for the father, who left, and does not pay Child Support, or even care that his attitude destroys children. She is now on drugs. Divorce is hateful and is to be avoided at all costs. It hurts children. I have seen mine hurt. I saw the effects on my wife's children. Now my grandchildren. When will it end?

 

A man I know was separated 5 months and was granted a divorce. His wife is still in shock and needs a lot of support. The children are playing one off against the other - it is a hateful game.

 

If the heart of a grandfather can break so much, what about the heart of the Father.

 

I sincerely hope and pray that 2007 is the year of breakthrough for all involved in parenting. May families regroup, remain, recover, re-establish. That is the heart of the Father.

Bill     

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

I am grateful to and supportive of any person or organisation that seeks to improve the plight of fathers and children's relationships with their fathers.

 

I see that your strategic goals and outcomes include an intention to create 'Well produced TV ads that highlight the power of positive fathering'.

 

I have seen countless sitcoms that stereotype men (and fathers) as bungling fools and women as supremely wise often ridiculing the males. A stereotype image portrayed by the media typically involves a beer drinking football loving male.

 

However I feel that your ad has failed to recognise the destructive affect of media stereotyping of men and that this conflicts with the stated aim of your organisation.

 

I would prefer an ad with a father showing their son how to do a quadratic equation, cook or fix a bicycle.

 

Fathers by enlarge don't need to be told how to be a parent. They just need to be supported as parents in the same way that mothers are. Currently they are not only unsupported but undermined.

 

I am not so arrogant as to believe I might not be able to improve my role as a parent to my child but my point is that I want to be respected as a complete parent and not viewed as a parent who should be subordinate in some way.

 

I feel that the real change necessary to improve fathering in our society requires changes in laws and mechanisms of the state so that fathers are genuinely supported and it will be a long hard road to bring about this type of change.

 

When writing emails I am concerned that the tone can be misinterpreted and I hope you can appreciate that I have great respect for what you are doing.

 

I hope you can keep your mind open to the point that I am making about the portrayal of stereotypes.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Kind regards

Bruce

 

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Dad's Prayer

 

 

Prayer of an 'Old Soul'

By George MacDonald

 

Lord, what I once had done with youthful might,

Had I been from the first true to the truth,

Grant me, now old, to do - with better sight,

And humbler heart, if not the brain of youth;

So wilt thou, in they gentleness and truth,

Lead back thy old soul, by the path of pain,

Round to his best - young eyes and heart and brain.

 

Note: George MacDonald was mentor to famous author CS Lewis, author of the Narnia series.

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Help Us

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity.
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm.

The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence  in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility)
Westpac Branch Wollongong
BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558

Or mail cheque and address details to:
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund  is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.

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